I occasionally escape from Twitter to Tik Tok in an attempt to preserve what’s left of my mental health and wow, it’s been a trip. It’s an interesting space and similar to the Twitterverse, like-minded people eventually find each other and as you watch videos and like content, your ‘For You’ page can start to get … um… very specific. So it wasn’t a complete surprise that I eventually found myself in ‘BookTok’ and slid down the slippery slope from there to ‘KinkTok’… Whew **fans self**.
They doin’ thangs over there. Sexy things. Hot things. Spicy things. I like it. But, of course, where there are humans you will invariably find naivete and the kind of fuckery people who will take advantage of that. Similar to the ‘Fifty Shades’ era, it’s piqued a lot of interest in the BDSM space again and thankfully, there are a number of community members who use their large platform and influence to call out predators and keep the more gullible and innocent from finding themselves in situations that can legit be dangerous.
But, the space is still largely unregulated, so it’s impossible to safeguard against some things and as I wandered through the pathways of both ‘BookTok’ and ‘KinkTok’ I noticed a few very interesting things. Let me share.
Firstly, a whole bunch of shady, lame looking men are now calling themselves ‘doms’ and regurgitating content all in the name of likes and apparently with the intent of attracting women who are interested in being subs. That is CREEPY as fuck and extremely dangerous. Predators and other people with ill or selfish intent can make any space unsafe and it’s no less so in this case. The other day I came across a video from someone who is apparently a known (legitimate?) dom who was tagged multiple times in a video by a sub who did not know what aftercare was and I think another video by a ‘dom’ saying he would refuse his sub aftercare in many instances…I nearly had a heart attack. A lotta shit is surprising in any space where you interact with a lot of people. But THAT?? Even in the most vanilla-est of sex, if you don’t do aftercare, I legit side-eye you and will eventually lose interest. But in sex that involves even the most basic of kink, no aftercare is a big, flaming, neon light flashing red flag. Whatever you’re into, even the lightest kink requires some kind of emotional as well as physical soothing afterwards. The man who did the video was so upset and reasonably so. But he was also very concerned because it was clear that the sub didn’t know better.
I did this post after people were ending up in hospital after ‘Fifty Shades’ got everyone hot and bothered and eager to try some new, freaky things. It’s incredible to me that in the age of information literally at our fingertips, humans continue to race headfirst into unknown territory before doing even the bare minimum of research. But even then, it was mostly couples messing around and getting injured. In this instance, there is the very real danger of women being physically and psychologically harmed and I really hope the community can nip it in the bud as soon as possible.
One of the other things that hit me is how much information the community is generating. The sheer volume of details about sex, sexuality, kink and all the possible acts and activities linked to them, is mind-blowing. Everybody is represented. When you juxtapose that against the current data about men being even more at risk of not being able to find a romantic or sexual partner, it’s even more striking. As a long time avid romance novel reader and an occasional consumer of pornographic material, it’s always been interesting to me the statistics around who reads, watches and otherwise participates in what. I always thought that more men should read romance novels because the foundation of those books is women finding themselves in relationships with a man who is an ideal image of what we actually want. The men in romance novels are conceptualised to make women truly happy. Their personalities are carefully crafted to reflect female ideals. The things they do and say are the clearest indication of what women actually desire in a relationship. Women read romance novels to fantasize about experiencing the ‘perfect’ relationship and the most satisfying sex. It would stand to reason then that if men read them as well, it would provide useful insight into what women value, prefer, need, want, expect, etc. With the expansion of genre to include more graphic erotica, there’s a veritable gold mine of information that men can use to become better lovers, better partners and in many regards, better humans.
And yet… cis-het women still report the lowest level of sexual satisfaction and men have ramped up their complaints about women having unrealistic standards… I’m willing to concede that we may actually be doomed. More cis-het women are choosing to be single because we simply cannot bother with being disappointed anymore. People in general are finding it harder to find compatible partners because even with the wealth of information available, we (read: cis-het men especially) somehow still keep missing the mark. With all we know about sex, with all the information about how to give and receive sexual pleasure and do so safely and consensually, humans are having LESS sex than they ever have before. How the fuck does that make sense?? Why are we wasting all this knowledge?
By now, every literate man should know exactly how to bring a woman to orgasm. There are detailed diagrams of the female genitalia showing where EVERYTHING is, with instructions on when, where and how to touch, stroke, apply pressure, kiss, lick, suck, bite… ahem… excuse me… kinda got carried away there. Instead, they’re trying to hit back with allegations that they too have not been enjoying sex. Ok then. Since you haven’t, tell us what you want then and let’s all do what each other wants. But they can’t. Because it’s bullshit. There’s actual research. Time and again, all over the world, cis-het men report high levels of sexual satisfaction both in sexual encounters within a relationship and in casual sex. We know they haven’t been lying about that all this time. So why start now that they’re being asked and provided with the resources to do better? It’s like they’re allergic to self-improvement.
The other thing that this explosion of erotic fiction has demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that women have, at the very least, as high a sex drive as men. The discussions around sex toys and the current level of demand is astronomical. Women are having conversations about fetishes, kinks and their deepest bedroom desires. The way how women have been clamoring for the erotic fiction titles is incredible. My own TBR list is at least 20 books long and LET ME TELL YOU. Those books are GOOOOOOOD. They are accurate. They are steamy. They are interesting. Of course, some of the characters are superficial and in the supernatural sub-genre of course there is unrealism. But for all intents and purposes? The genre is incredibly interesting, informative, engaging and extremely useful. There is no longer any credible reason why cis-het men shouldn’t be great at sex. There just isn’t. You can pick any romance novel, any erotic fiction novel and get such a great understanding of how women want to feel and be treated in a relationship and during sexual encounters.
Even in the darkest of kink, the themes remain. Women want to feel desired, loved, safe, supported and respected. A lot of men seem to think that kink is synonymous with abuse. They hear ‘spank’ and equate it with beating and physical violence. They hear ‘breath play’ and ‘choking’ and think of strangulation to unconsciousness. They hear domination and think it gives them leave to treat their partner without respect or take away their sub’s agency. That’s not how it works. There are so many levels and at ALL of them, safety and respect are paramount. The ultimate intent and goal is pleasure and satisfaction regardless of the path taken to get there. Communication is imperative and the person submitting is in as much control as the person dominating, if not more.
To sum it up… there’s a ton of information available, instead of using it to level up, men are still complaining, women are still disappointed and while we can have the best sex of our lives, safely and consensually with all the resources available, we’re… not doing that.. At all… So, we find ourselves in a space and time where nothing makes sense… Wait… That’s how it’s always been… Carry on.
The Happiness Paradigm 