Fifty Shades of Know What the Hell You’re Doing!

Here comes another Fifty Shades movie again with the terribly watered down version of Christian Gray and a boring and inaccurate representation of BDSM. I read the books, more than once truth be told, and quite enjoyed them. I have not and will not watch the movies. The books lend nuance to the story that I doubt can be captured on screen. But what amuses me so very much is how all of a sudden everybody’s kinky and into BDSM. Except, no. Most of the people I hear talking about it have little to no idea what they’re declaring that they’re into. It’s more than a little amusing but I can’t fault them. It’s an interesting topic and one that has fascinated me even before I read the books and so much deeper than most realized. The books are hot, no doubt but I wonder how many women have ended up in very uncomfortable ‘positions’ since they’ve gone declaring themselves as ‘subs’ and looking for their version of Christian. The number of bedroom related injuries apparently spiked after the release of the books and then after the first movie. I can imagine that ER doctors are, at present, preparing themselves for a new wave of uncomfortable Q & A sessions.

Contrary to what so many people seem to believe, BDSM is not getting tied up and spanked and fucked by a hot millionaire. It’s not a straight line acronym as some people believe – it’s not bondage and domination/sadism and masochism, neither is it bondage and domination, submission and ….mmmmmhhh I don’t know what the ‘m’ stands for. It’s a complex lifestyle that has a number of elements. I have an inquiring mind and so I decided to do some research and it’s quite interesting. It’s more than sex. For some people, it’s not about sex at all. The books focus on the sexual aspect of the relationship because duh, it’s erotic fiction and just for entertainment purposes. If it’s an area of interest, trust me, Fifty Shades does not provide even a fraction of the information you need. Whether it’s a one-time interaction, a short-term interest with a specific partner or a lifestyle change that’s being contemplated it’s important to know what it really is and what you’re getting into. I’m just expanding a little here because I find it interesting and I’ve heard the conversations popping up around me again seen the excited posts on social media and I’m realizing again that people really have no idea…

The acronym, BDSM actually has three paired elements, so the four letters actually stand for six facets. Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission and Sadism and Masochism. Pretty clever. That’s the triad and it also represents a progression. From a nice milk chocolate to deep rich dark chocolate, no sugar added. The books very basically introduce us to a little bit of bondage and discipline and a tiny bit of dominance and submission. In the context of a (quite often monogamous) relationship it can however be quite different.

Bondage and Discipline

So, you’ve been a naughty girl/boy and you want your partner to punish you, hold you down, tie you up, make you apologize for whatever infraction you committed. This one’s for you. But make no mistake, it’s not all fun and games. If you’re into it, there can be real pain here. It can be fun and sexy as hell though with the right tone and the right partner. From basic clothing and household items (think steel grey tie…) to stuff that you have to go to Amazon.com or Home Depot for make sure you and your partner knows what the hell you’re doing. Rope burn is not sexy and kinda hard to explain… or so I’ve heard.

Dominance and Submission

There’s a little bit more range here. From a simple role playing session to a full-fledged relationship. Established roles, rules, expectations, restrictions, hard and soft limits. This incorporates the bondage and discipline element in that the submissive can expect to be disciplined for behaving outside of the agreed upon conduct. There are complexities here though. The assumption is that there is total control by one person and the other is completely powerless. That’s not the case. The power is shared almost equally because the submissive role has a huge amount of say in terms of what they will and will not allow. If you’re taking it here, do some research.

Sadism and Masochism

This is where shit gets really, really real. This is where it’s actually about the pain. If you are not into pain and humiliation, please just don’t even bother. This requires talking, training, communication, complete and total honesty. You do NOT just try this out, or get into it. You can get seriously hurt. Know your partner, do your research, speak openly and honestly.

It’s an interesting lifestyle no doubt. Exciting and new and wild. But it’s not just about sex. It’s more mental and emotional than sexual. It’s about knowing yourself and knowing your partner. It’s about trust and honesty. It’s about communication. There are actually instructional sessions and books and tutors who teach safety and equipment use and all the intricacies. Do your research. Ask questions. Talk to your partner. Be honest. Explore something new. Have fun. Be safe.

‘