I should be baking today. I should have been baking since last week. I couldn’t. I’ve been flat and I couldn’t figure out why until today. It’s amazing how the subconscious mind notes and reacts to events and memorials even before the conscious mind can acknowledge them.
I spend a lot of time on Twitter these days. I’ve found a small tribe on a platform that I’ve manipulated to suit my preferences. It’s been enlightening and insightful and thought-provoking. The jokes are wild and there is no limit or filter to most. But in the midst of those are the posts that stir the heart and soul and force introspection. Two of those hit me this long weekend and compounded a realization I came to yesterday. So instead of baking, I’m writing. One pays me, but the other centers me, renews my clarity and helps me focus again. And I need renewal and clarity right now in ways that I don’t need money.
The first tweet I saw in passing a few days ago:
And I skimmed past it a few times before it finally hit me why it made me feel a little uncomfortable to acknowledge it.. 10 years ago, I was a few days before my wedding. I was probably happy, but in hindsight I can admit that even then, things were starting to unravel. 10 years later, I’m divorced, living at home again and while there are days like today, when I feel like I’ve made no progress, I know that’s not the case. Therapy helped me to acknowledge that I’d been abused in various ways. It helped me to acknowledge, accept and get past the graveness of the situation I’d been in. I couldn’t be where I am right now without it. And where I am is undeniably better than where I was or where I could be.
I’m physically healthier. I work out, I (try to) eat right and when I look at my body, I feel pride and satisfaction. And I’m not done yet. I’m physiologically healthier. I used to be at the doctor every week. My immune system had been a wreck and I hadn’t even realized until one evening while driving past my doctor’s office that in the year since I’d been separated, I hadn’t had any reason to go to him. It was eye-opening and frightening and a relief all at the same time. I stopped to say hi anyway.
I’m spiritually healthier. In the 2 1/2 years I was married, I lost my empathy, I lost my capacity for any kind of divine connection, I lost my ability to simply sit with my thoughts and meditate. I couldn’t pray or be grateful because my mind was filled with fear and pain and tears. My friend/yoga instructor saved my life. I celebrate her birthday, her very existence with fervour each year because I do not know if I’d been here without her guidance and support through my practice. She had no idea that she was saving me but I make sure to show and express my gratitude to her every chance I get.
I’m financially healthier. He was financially illiterate and had no desire to change that. The quick score was it. No long term planning. Bad financial decisions. Since then, I’ve paid off a loan that we had been paying together, paid off my credit cards, improved my credit rating, changed jobs, bought property, invested in stock, completed (I hope! Still waiting on my final grades) my Masters, expanded my small business and have started putting plans in place for a new business venture. I’ll simply say that is not the case with him and I have no doubt that I could not have accomplished any of these things had I not stepped away.
I’m emotionally healthier. Since then, I’ve entered and exited two relationships that I know would not have served me well. I’ve learned to identify my depression and counter it with actions that prevent me from spiraling. I know who I am as a person and I know what I want and deserve in a partner. I love someone who has the self-awareness to step back from me romantically because he’s not in the right place for a relationship now (and I consider that progress and an improvement in my choices). I’ve built and continue to nurture my own self-awareness and commitment to self-improvement. I have amazing friends and acquaintances and have built relationships that are symbiotic and healthy while shedding toxic connections.
So this hit me sideways this morning in a moment (or 100) of loneliness and impatience:
I needed the reminder to be patient. This is the lesson I’ve avoided for most of my life. Patience for me, has been a virtue I have lacked. And I have so many more lessons to learn on my path. One of the most important is that I should respect everyone’s journey in the same way I needed. So I’m at this weird place, where I can see all the progress I made and still somehow feel like something is missing. But, I’m trying to get past that feeling to continue along this path. To see delays, denials or detours as opportunities. To build foundations and friendships. To continue to get better and be better. To rebound and keep moving forward. To rest when I need to. My journey is my own no matter who I share it with or meet along the way and no matter who I have to leave behind. Making the best of everyday is my responsibility. Becoming the best version of myself is my responsibility.
So today, I can celebrate as I wait. I can shake this feeling of angst. I can let go of this impatience. I can continue to do and be and be grateful for how far I’ve come. I can be supportive instead of impatient. I can be joyful that I still have the capacity for this kind of love and allow life to continue to unfold as I find and claim my place. I can continue along this path with the knowledge that everyday is a lesson learned, an improvement made, an experience gained and that the journey is as valuable as the destination…
The Happiness Paradigm 
Twitter is the best of the internet!
We’ve had several private discussions about this, so you know my thoughts. I congratulate you on your ongoing healing process.
My mother is proof that it’s possible. She suffered abuse from my father for 15 years and took another 5 to get rid of him via paperwork. She is now happily married to a man who describes her as the love of his life, even when she is not around to hear it.
My parents (mom and stepdad) are sickening. They go on date nights every Friday and are constantly on the phone. One day mom left her phone upstairs and went to the ground floor to do laundry. Dad called me saying he’s rushing home and what’s wrong with Mom because he’s been trying to call her and she’s not answering. Is everything okay???
Like I said, they’re sickening. 😂 I’m wishing you this same level of affection in your life. My mom found that love at around 40 years old. It’s never too late!
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