Clearing the Block

I should be writing. I’m not sure why I can’t. The last time I went through this it was because of internalized issues that I was eventually forced to handle. I can only speculate this time. I think there’s just too much going on. It could be because the last 6 months forced me to write 4 papers totaling about 24,000 words and I honestly seem to have lost the capacity for coherence. I haven’t been able to formulate a complete thought about anything else except school work for the past year and it’s taken its toll.

There’s been so much going on that I’ve had to filter out a lot of socialization and contact in order to focus on the things that absolutely needed to be done. I condensed my social media presence into one platform, I cut a lot of acquaintances, I circled the wagons and tried my best to focus. I got stuff done. I cleared a number of hurdles and managed to finish stronger than I thought I would. Now, school is done and I’m just waiting on my grades to close that book.

And there it is… See, that’s why I write. It clears through the mess of emotions. I’m waiting on my grades. Tackling my Masters was more of a personal than a professional goal. I don’t really need it. I’ve set a course that negates it but it had to be done. I could have done it years ago but I made a decision to defer it to allow my wasband (I really love that word) to pursue his own studies… Yeah, not the best decision I ever made but I was, am and likely always will be that kind of partner. I feel like I owed it to myself to get it done. So, when the opportunity arose, I did it.

I hated every single minute. I can’t think of a module that I actually enjoyed. I can’t honestly say I learned much that I can apply to my current and future endeavours. But I love to learn and I learned some things. A lot of theory yes, a lot of background on thought, sure. But where the practicalities are concerned, I got all that from Bachelors level and from work experience. If I ever take on the PhD it’s definitely going to be in something I love. But, for now, at the end of the day, I can be proud of myself for crossing something off my list and I’m ready to move forward now.

It served as a reminder that there are things that we don’t necessarily want to do, but that must be done in order to solidify our sense of self and contribute to our self-actualization, Self-development often requires sacrifice and the fact that I actually feel a little bit more accomplished for having finished it also counts for something. I just want my final grade so I can be officially, finally done with it. Hopefully, once that’s closed out, I can tackle all the other stuff that’s brewing under the surface. So. Much. Stuff

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