I’m Not For Everyone…

Amazingly, I communicate horribly on the fly and every time I think I’m getting better at it, I just get worse. Verbal communication usually devolves as I become more distressed and/or passionate and for that I have had to apologize to a number of people. Over the last few weeks though, something has become very clear to me. I’m obviously not the person who most people think or hope I am. This is not an unfamiliar feeling to me. People approach me and on surface assessment think I’m some lightweight, easy-going, sweetheart. I can be, but that’s the tip of a very large iceberg. And a lot of people get below the surface and are either deeply impressed or completely disappointed. For the latter, or anyone in between, sorry, not sorry. 

Yes, I’m impatient. I’m not a Thinker, I’m a Doer. I reply to texts, IMs and emails immediately. For me it’s courtesy and respect for the person I’m communicating with. Maintaining contact is important to me. When something pops into my head or my heart, I immediately start to work to bring it to life. I envision much for myself and my friends and my relationships. Once I get that vision going, I roll up my sleeves and get to work. I expect progress and set clear goals and am willing to expend effort to reach those goals. I expect the same level of commitment. In my romantic relationships, I expect my effort to be matched, with deliberate structured action if necessary. But as with my friendships, my partner can rest and wake assured that their well-being is at the forefront of my thoughts and I will do my part to contribute to your growth.

Yes, I’m intense. I focus. I commit. I get involved. I want to know and understand and do. I make plans, I schedule my time and I execute. When a person is busy I see no reason why all important aspects of that person’s life cannot/should not be scheduled. The development of our relationship, platonic or romantic, should be considered an important aspect of the life of the persons with whom I share my self. I don’t do light. I have many acquaintances, but the bulk of my energy is not for them. I do deep conversations and intimacy. I do inclusion and involvement and participation. I must add value to all my interactions. I express myself openly and passionately, I flirt, I banter, I rant and when I do, I crave a response. I want to know and understand those I care about. I want to have long conversations and familiarize myself with all of them.

In my romantic relationships though, I’m not clingy. I believe people need space and time alone. I expect my partner to have his own interests and goals for which I only play a supporting or cheerleading role. But I do need physical contact, I do crave communication. I don’t keep secrets and I don’t expect to have to infer and assume and decipher. I appreciate straightforwardness and clear declarations of intentions and expectations. I expect time spent apart in the interest of self-development and to facilitate the maintenance of other relationships. I need a partner who has space in their life for someone who requires the level of contact that I do. I am perfectly OK with supplementing verbal communication for physical contact, but extended periods apart wear on my psyche.

I’m committed, loyal and passionate. When I let a person into my life, it is with the intent of keeping them there. I will step up when I am needed, stand down when I am not. I will worry and check in and make suggestions. I will encourage and listen and support. I will take up arms and go to battle for and with. My integrity is my greatest asset and my commitment to my relationships should never be questionable. There are times I wish I could be selfish because for the people who have taken advantage of and taken for granted all that I am, the wounds are deep and show no sign of ever fully healing. I have shed countless tears in the  wake of use and abuse and rejection. This has not dulled my commitment to those who remain loyal to me.

So sorry, I have no apologies for those who think that I am or are disappointed that I am not less than I am.. So, if it feels like I’m not who you thought I was or who you want me to be, please feel free to exit in the same manner you entered. I won’t compromise my character or expectations to fit anyone’s mold. I won’t have my loyalty or my concern or my commitment questioned. I provide constancy and consistency and intimacy and depth and love in the purest and most unconditional way I am capable of. I need that to be accepted and appreciated and I need all that back in return.