I have so many single friends male and female. And so many of their stories are the same. For a world so filled with unique characters we sure do have a lot of the same flaws and we seem to have devised a particular set of actions to annoy, offend and downright hurt each other. There’s so much anger. Social media is awash with negativity. Ugly memes that seemingly outline general negative characteristics of each sex have become commonplace, articles glorifying the single life are being enthusiastically written, shared and reshared, statistics are showing populations that are aging because people are getting married at older ages or not getting married at all. In an age where our life spans have been lengthened because of advances in science and technology, it strikes me as odd that people are actively choosing to spend their lives alone. How inadequately are we interacting, how poorly are we treating each other, that single is becoming the more desirable option, when our natural inclination seems to lean towards a preference for companionship?
I’ve heard so many negative comments from both sexes, so many complaints, so many criticisms. I’ve heard generalizations and stereotypes being thrown around in earnest. All men are… All women… I finally decided to dig a little deeper. I asked a bunch of my peoples the same question (adjusted for gender) to try to get some feedback on just why it is we seem not to be getting along very well. For the most part, the single persons in my acquaintance are interested in forging and maintaining relationships, they don’t deny their need for, or interest in companionship and long term partnerships; they just have experiences that make them feel discouraged from continuing the search. I’m making specific reference to persons who are actually interested in being in relationships whether now or at some point in the near future. There are persons who have already made their decision and whether based on logic or emotion, they’ve decided that a relationship is not for them; that’s OK. This is about the people who are/have been dating but just can’t seem to make the connection they want.
I’m by no means an optimist so I know there will always be conflict. But I’m not a pessimist either, there’s hope. The realist in me says that if we can identify what the main issues are that each sex has with the other we can all get along a little better.
The question was: Of all the men/women you’ve encountered since you’ve been single, what’s the thing about them that you like the least -whether it’s one trait displayed by all/most of them or a single bad trait in one person that stood out. I got some immediate answers, I guess from some fresh experiences while some persons had to really think about it. All but one person was able to give me a solid answer.
The Men
The men had a prevailing theme. The most common answer I got was ‘clingy’, and by most I mean all but one. When asked to expound it seemed that their main issue was that the women they were meeting wanted to get too serious, too quickly. Immediate requests for an outline of intentions and expectations seem unrealistic for them. The guys are more inclined to date multiple women or at the very least, hold out on making concrete declarations, while trying to decide who is the best fit for their current and future plans. They’re big on maintaining their independence and don’t want to feel rushed into making a commitment. The ladies get annoyed and demanding and in some instances insecure when the commitment is not forthcoming in what they consider to be a timely manner.
Sigh… Men are from Mars.. Women are from Venus… We’re different, we experience, process and express emotions differently. Added to that, society has different expectations of us based on gender and these expectations are imprinted on us at very early ages. Man is provider, woman is nurturer. Man is logical, woman is emotional. Man plans, woman supports. Yes, we’ve evolved, but at the core, these teachings are still ingrained in our psyches.
Here’s my take on it… Again, I’m talking about persons who are inclined to partnering up. So in this case I’m talking about men who are not commitment-phobic. They’re not fuckboys looking to sleep around. They want to find the right partner, have a solid relationship that may eventually lead to marriage. But they’re schedule is a bit different than their female counterparts. The men want to take time to make the decision. They want to be sure that the person they’re with is the person they want to be with for a long time – dare I say, forever. Men are socialized to establish themselves, become successful and then settle down, to think long and hard about anything regarding emotions before expressing them… However, as women, we’re mostly socialized to find a husband, get married and have children. We’re forced/allowed to develop our personalities at an early age and spend more time contemplating the topics of marriage and parenthood. Right there, we’re already operating on two different timelines. By the time a lot of women leave college, we’re ready to get settled. We’re educated, employed/employable and (we’re told) our biological clocks are ticking. But the men in the same age group are just starting to acquire and achieve. If they don’t feel like they’ve established themselves, they’ll probably be hesitant to make a commitment. Right there, we’re already at odds.
Where’s the compromise here? Can there be? I’m not so sure. Two countering innate characteristics that somehow need to mesh to facilitate the continuance of the species. And then of course, there’s what the ladies had to say… That’s in part 2.
The Happiness Paradigm 
I don’t know your demographic but I am a single man and know others, and in my experience, what you report here is not only not the case , it is almost completely backwards.
Worse yet, it perpetuates the unfair characterization of men that has been one of the main causes of what’s keeping men and women single.
The balance is off :
1. women these days feel overly entitled.
2. Because of the feminism and “progressive” attitudes
a. Men as a group are constantly disparaged – no matter what we do
b. Women are excused – no-matter what they do.
As a result:
1. Women’s attitudes and behavior have worsened. They are cheating more, treating men with less respect and compassion.
and the main #1 problem
2. Women feel way too entitled. It used be, people would get married then build their lives and figure shit out. The problem now, is that women’s expectations have gone up,.
Women expect a ready-made man, who’s already succeeded… they have their career so why would they want to be tied down unless they will have a whole lo more money if they marry the guy. Womens’ expectations about how much they should contribute to the relationship (money, love, time, care, effort) has gone down while their expectations for men have gone up.
The reality is that women still want a man that pays and can provide, while expecting a whole new host of things; and, the men still pay for most of the dating; meanwhile, women are taking all that money they’re earning, from the jobs they’re demanded, for the careers they insist upon having, and buying condos, investments and vacations. The women are conserving (money & time) while expecting the men to do a disproportionate amount of the giving (money and time) .
By this condition, the single women becomes more abundant. As single women grow more abundant, not only do men need to give even more to make marriage attractive, but the single women look down on guys for not having as much resources as they do.
Men are making much less money than before they shared the workforce with women. Women want to make as much money but the cultural expectations regarding how much a man should pay have not adjusted accordingly.
The “clingy” factor you speak of – you must have made it up, because it just isn’t reality. If anything, the men are more clingy and devoted, and the women are still shopping for the better deal they feel they are entitled to.
I’m’ going to have to call BULLSHIT on this study.
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Hi. While I appreciate the feedback I’d also prefer that it be delivered more as a contribution to the post rather than as an attack.
You’re right, you don’t know my demographic and you haven’t asked. Firstly, this is not a study, I asked some people what their experiences were and I’m communicating the response. Secondly, I’m in no way condoning or perpetuating any kind of negative behaviour on either part. I get the impression that you didn’t read the post in its entirety. Thirdly, I very clearly stated that I’m perturbed by the fact that men and women are not interacting well and I’m trying to figure out why, that I don’t like the current status quo. Please also note that I have not yet detailed the input provided by the women, nor have I made any conclusions.
The entire tone of your communication supports the current divide as you have chosen to attack and disparage rather than respectfully counter and offer an alternative
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Well I am sorry if my tone was too antagonistic. I think, like you mentioned, it demonstrates the problem. It was a reaction to a skewed characterization just as single men are reacting to a skewed playing field.
I am sorry my tone was too harsh in my first response. Aside from that, I don’t see how the description I gave as to what is REALLY going on, is not contributory. Truth is constructive.
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It’s not what is said it’s how it was said that detracts from its value as a contribution and I did thank you for the feedback.
I totally get your point and a lot of what you said will be addressed in the second part of this post. The input I received from the ladies is reasonably supported by your comment. There is a significant skewness in expectations and it is in part perpetuated by how we have evolved and in some ways devolved. I hope you’ll read the second part to the post and comment as well.
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I agree. And, my response was rather insolent, please forgive.
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Forgiven. Thanks again for the feedback. I hope you will think it’s fairly represented in the second part of the post
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Firstly it’s nice to see an amicable resolution to the scuffle that took place between you and “The Sinner Saint Diary”. That’s what it’s all about… rational debate 🙂
Anyways… my comment is unrelated…
“However, as women, we’re mostly socialized to find a husband, get married and have children. We’re forced/allowed to develop our personalities at an early age and spend more time contemplating the topics of marriage and parenthood” — Does this really still hold true though? I don’t think women are being socialized this way any more…. are they?
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There’s a divide it seems. Across all age groups we’re still influenced by the old norms. We’re still bombarded with pictures of cute babies. We’re still encouraged to keep our bodies looking a certain way in order to attract a man. It’s still there. What’s happening is that the (fanatical) feminists are also wielding influence. So were also encouraged to learn to survive on our own.
I spoke to persons who are inclined to partnering. I deliberately stayed away from the group that is now anti-relationship because they’ve bought into or have chosen the path of singleness.
As Sinner Saint pointed out, there’s an ugliness now to the attitudes many women have adopted. I’m not concerned about them in this post. I do know a lot of women in my age group who had previously wanted the ‘ happily ever after’ but have been hurt so much that they’ve changed their minds and their attitudes.
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Interesting read….
It sounds very text book but whether men are from Mars and women are from Venus, if we CHOOSE to COMMUNICATE HONESTLY with each other, then earth will be just fine.! Case in point, The Sinner Saint Diary vs Ambrosiaomg😉
The Sinner Saint Diary…..women are not behaving entitled, instead, we are reacting to who and what our men have become- selfish. Men are now allowing their value to be determined by their earnings. Earn millions; she has to look like millions, come from a particular soci-economic group or atleast “look” that way, be willing to compromise & forgive aka support your man while he climbs ( other women and the career ladder). #iamking
Earns “little”- If my woman earns more than me; she wont be faithful and committed , I’m emasculated and not respected, since money equals power, why can women handle money but not power! #pityparty
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