All The Good Men Are Either…

So it’s a holiday. I’m at home being a bum. I’m sitting here, just finished watching the Liverpool v Barcelona International Champions Cup match, doing some last minute scouting for my EPL Fantasy League team and giving myself a pedicure. Yeah I’m a girl… and in between assessing the players and reacting to the scoreline, I picked out the prettiest shades of pastel pink and green to paint my toenails while I soaked and moisturized my feet…

Last evening I spent some time with a sistren of mine and usually when girls get together the talk turns to men. I’m constantly amazed when I interact with my female friends how many of us are single. Single and comfortable mind you, but still open to finding a compatible partner with whom to share time and experiences. The women I know are educated, independent, dynamic and witty. I use the word dynamic to refer back to the first paragraph. We are not ‘typically’ female. We are adaptable, open-minded, adventurous and well-rounded (yes that’s a double entendre – we’re hot). We are by no means perfect and like every other human being, we have our flaws. So I cannot understand why our stories are so similar. We’ve all been used, hurt, and abused – mentally, emotionally, physically and too often, sexually. We’ve been lied to, cheated on and taken for granted. We’ve ended relationships and we’ve been broken up with. But we’re still here, open minded, open hearted and waiting. Some of us patiently, some of us not so patiently – biological clocks ticking and all that.

Some have given up all together. Too many broken pieces to put back together in order to be whole for someone else again. Worse, too much effort to put those pieces back together to have them thoughtlessly, carelessly or deliberately shattered once more. So single and (sadly) celibate became the safest choice. Casual sexual encounters are less of a crapshoot for men since you guys get off so much easier than we do – pun intended.

Ever since male/female interaction and relationships in general became of interest to me I’ve heard the saying that ‘all the good men are either gay or taken’. It’s true to some extent. I know some amazing men who have found their life partners and are happily  married and settled. I also know some amazing gay men, some of whom are also happily settled. I guess it should now be ‘all the good men are either gay and/or taken. But I’ve come to realize that it’s much more complex than that. There are good men out there who are choosing to remain single. For the same damn reason that some women are. I’m not talking about the fuckboys who don’t want to be ‘tied down’ to one person because they don’t have the capacity for much more than sex and ‘fun’. I’m talking about educated, employed, honest, decent men who have a lot to offer, but are no longer interested in pursuing relationships that often end with them being hurt.

Yeah. Men can get hurt too. The stereotype of the ‘dog’ has led many women to do selfish and awful things to men in some misguided attempt for retribution or equity. So just as there are women who no longer have the desire to have to put broken pieces back together there are men who just can’t be bothered anymore. Separate and apart from this terrifying trend of men killing women who end relationships with them, some even killing themselves and children as well, there are men who have decided to remain bachelors.

It’s no wonder it’s next to impossible to cross paths with a potential partner these days. And when you do, it’s punctuated with the disappointment of him turning out to either be one of the gay and/or taken or one of the bachelors by choice. Will it ever change? When do we get a chance to try to play nice with each other again? So many questions. It builds resilience, that much I can say. And sadly, not much more…

8 thoughts on “All The Good Men Are Either…

  1. Good one Cher!
    And paranoia. ..
    We have become so afraid..; afraid she/he doesnt like me enough, afraid its going tooo well, afraid I’ll do or say something to ruin things or simple afraid to give it honest try.

    When you add contemplating the legal adoption of child; the lengths we single women would need go through prove we are capable of rise a child “alone”. Or, walking into a sperm bank…Having your son or daughter always saying uncle, aunty or mommy…not daddy!

    A well made bed looks strange with one pillow but fluffy both on my bed remains me of a longing, an absence…a hope! So I add cushions until….

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Great post as usual! This is one of those topics that most readers will be able to relate.
    It’s a ‘jungle’ out there, as such you have to lie with some ‘dogs’ and kiss some ‘frogs’ before you can find the right person. Even then, it’s not guaranteed that you will. Settle, wait indefinitely or invest in some pets. 🙂 Those are the options. It might sound harsh, but that’s the reality.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s sad. I’m particularly disappointed because in another 10 years or so it will be a different story. When a lot of these people are looking for a way to secure a companion/nursemaid in/for their old age they’ll be beating down our doors. I’m not too proud to say that I don’t like being single (too many people are and that’s part of the problem), I have a lot to offer and I enjoy doing relationship stuff. But it’s been made so difficult to interact with people because everyone is so afraid and proud and defensive.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is a good one, I was a little apprehensive when I first saw the title cause I hought this was gonna be another male bashing/no good men are in the world/all good men are gay or taken post….and I don’t quite agree with those thought processes. However, this is a good one because I do think that there are men similar to the single ladies you mentioned…men who are too erring on the side of caution due to their past. It’s life, but just like we want to think and speak positively about all other aspects and often encourage others to do the same…we should too think and speak positively regarding this specific aspect of our lives. It will happen but nothing before it’s time they say….so in the meantime we embrace and enjoy this season because soon we’ll miss it….

    Liked by 2 people

  4. There are a lot more… well a few more… categories of single men… possibly good single men you than may think.
    There’s the guy that’s socially awkward and may be sitting there watching the good women go by but can’t even say hi…. I don’t think that makes him a bad guy.

    There’s the guy who’s single and his not single friends don’t introduce him to other single people…. So yeah.. there’s blame to be laid on all the double people out there.

    There’s the guy who dreads the work that comes with a relationship (hmmm may that guy is not in the good category?)

    There’s the guy who’s afraid of hurting… Not being hurt… But being the hurter…

    At the end of day though it’s important not to settle just cuz you’re tired of being single…. The result of that will probably be more hurt.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OK. This is great feedback. Thanks! This is food for thought. I agree with the first two. Social awkwardness is real and I have met a few good guys who are shy and who wouldn’t approach a girl to save their own lives. That’s a little on us because too many of us don’t know how to reject graciously. It’s also true that some couples are so blissfully coupled they forget that the single folks could benefit from an introduction or two. Sometimes they also just assume that their single friends are single because they want to be.

      The other two now. Nah. Relationships are work. Love is work. Someone who’s too lazy to put in that work isn’t relationship ready. They may be a good person but wouldn’t qualify as a good partner at that point in time. The dude worried about hurting someone needs to figure out why he’s been hurting people so much that he’s concerned it will recur. It may just be an insecurity and he’s actually perfectly nice. Probably just needs to talk to someone about his concerns. But he has stuff to sort first.

      But you’re right settling is the worst. It’s good to get out there and meet new people, take time to get to know people. But know when to admit that someone isn’t the one for you.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Singledom is primarily because of less need for dependence. We all have become independent and quite set with our habits and choices ; our tolerances are down and expectations are high. It’s not an ideal environment to find and sustain partners. compare it with scenario 70-80 years ago, you’ll find context.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s